So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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