got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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