I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
