So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
