A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
