doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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