i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
