I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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