So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
