Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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