he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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