i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
