How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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