I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
