The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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