I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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