Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize