Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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