Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sext me about skeletons
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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