if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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