He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
