Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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