Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
