Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
