I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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