I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize