I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
