The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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