He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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