I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
