Life is so much better after having sex.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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