he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize