I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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