I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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