I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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