My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
