And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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