We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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