I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So squirting runs in the family.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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