I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
