woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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