If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
