ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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