I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
