Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
