I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
