if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i have herpe
just one?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
