Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
