that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
