I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
