Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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