what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
