I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
