Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
