i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
