I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
