I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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