i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
