It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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