I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
