If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
