I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
