sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
