I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
